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CAPTAIN DONUTS JOURNAL [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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cant sleep [Nov. 30th, 2004|03:07 am]
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |three days grace]

Every night without you by my side
Because I'm nothing without you, I'm nothing.

I'm searching
For the words to say to you.
Like I love you and I need you
Yet you won't get the clue
And your blue eyes
Will turn these hazel eyes blue
And I'm nothing
I'm nothing without you

I'm nothing without you
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(no subject) [Aug. 20th, 2004|01:02 pm]
[mood |excitedexcited]
[music |Cadence-Anberlin]

BACK FROM ONTARIO!WOO! i was gone to ontario and i didnt really feel like updating my journal so that is why i havent wrote in it for a few millenias. oh well shit happens. im glad to be back home within walking distance of my heather. lastnight i was getting ready to go see my heather when my damn mom tried to make me babysit right before i was about to go through the door, but luckily i got by that and i got to see her. nothing much has changed while i was gone in edmundston except i have a much deeper appreciation for my girl freind, dont get me wrong i appreciated her a hell of alot before but the time away from her tore at me and really made me think about all the great times we had together, and when i saw her yesterday i was so damn happy.WOO!GET TO SEE HER TONIGHT! to tell you the truth tho, the only real reason i was anxious to come back home was for my heather, if that wasnt a factor i wish i could stay in ontario forever, but oh well im with the love of my life and i couldnt be happier without her.
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(no subject) [Jul. 7th, 2004|10:09 pm]
It could've been different if the frgaments of each sentence were reminiscent of a sing-along song I sang so long ago. And still
I try to smile,
and still I try to laugh,
just to find that peace of mind

now I'm feeling like I'm stuck in slow motion again.
But all I've got is time.
Running around in circles,
just to find that peace of mind.
And you know I'm gonna get what's mine.
I've lost touch, too much sympathy.
Follow me, don't bother me.
Fragments of each sentence representing anything I think. And still I try to smile,
and still I try to laugh.
And still I'll never change,
I'm stuck here studying the past
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CANT SLEEP AT ALL [Jul. 6th, 2004|03:19 am]
[mood |depresseddepressed]
[music |bad religion- better off dead]

i sit here on this god forsaken playground, sitting on this metal and wooden jungle gym that used to be full of kids, everyday.it used to be full of fond memories of me and my freinds when we were in elementary but now its serving as a place where i reflect. the skies are cloudy, i scan the heavenly sky for whatever star i can find, but i see nothing but gray haze and clouds stretching over past the mountains.

i look down at the ground where my steel-toe boots marks a trail that i traveled to get on the jungle gym.the air is damp and the wind continues to make trees, and the long grass shift continuisly with each gust moving in an inpredictable rhythm.

my head hangs low in a foreboding mood, as the ominous light barely reaches out to the playground. i think of my one true love and a memory that i successfully forgot right before we were a couple but when i was sure that i had feelings for her. but forgetting was only in vain.for there is always something that will make a person remember the unwanted memory. whether it be a picture, a sound, a phrase or word, or maybe a combination of all.

i dwell upon someone i used to consider one of my greatest freinds, getting ready to leave after a fun night of hanging out and being hammered. i remember saying goodbye with my love's hand in mine.her hand drifts away from mine as she paces toward him and wraps her arms around him.as he lifts her up, her legs wrap around him as her head nears his.her head nears his ear as she starts to caress it with her toungue. and her head goes down his neck. i back away as if someone violently kicked me in the sternum as all the air i breathe gets sucked away at a moments notice.my eyes start to water as i try to stop myself from breaking down i go up the grey carpeted stairs as i back up them backwards, i turn around and go to the dance floor trying to forget what i have seen.

today i learned that the one i called a freind brought her into the cramped tiny room with no light. and days after i told him that i had feeling for her he tried to some things with her.i tried to forget the memory as my hands keep my head from falling any farther, while at the same time my tears continue to trickle down my nose and my face, i try to breathe as this dreaded memeory and the new facts i learned continue to play on my imagination. i try to stop thinking bout it and think about the better memories i had .but, nothing except the scene i witnessed that night and the imaginary vision of the cramped room and a scene in a car play over and over as i continue to cry more and more strenously. there is a knot in my stomach that continues to constrict my abdomen. the more i think the more i cry, the more it constricts, harder and harder until i feel the urge to vomit again.but i cant stop thinking about it. it keeps on playing and playing and the hands that hold my head up as high as i can start shaking, my legs start shaking as i try to calm myself but i cant seem to. i had my fair share of upsets in my life but i havent been this upset since the night my parents fought and split up, dragging my family seperate ways.i start to throw up again. and ignore the bitter taste as the memory continues to loop over and over. i crawl back home and try to sleep but i cant because this memory leaves a wound so deep that i try not to let it show,but it nevers goes away, its just plays and plays in an eternal loop.
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(no subject) [Jul. 6th, 2004|12:15 am]
[mood |nauseatednauseated]
[music |mxpx-foolish]

today was a shitty day, wake up late than get bitched at, and to top it off i heard one of the most horrible things i could ever possibly imagine, there was an old recount of a past event that, whenever i think about it my eyes instantly water and it feels like some one reached into my stomach and tied a knot in it then punched the hell out of it, i try not to think bout it, but today i was informed that there was more to it, and it involved who i considered my best freind at the time, who knew how i felt about a certain someone and shit like that, now with the added sequence to the story im even more shocked, now it feels like the noose around my stomach has been tightened as if it were a person going thru an execution, i havent been this upset since my parents split up years ago, i cant stop thinking bout it, but whenever i do, the knot tightens even more and i cant stop shaking, not seizure shaking, more like twitching shaking. i feel so sick right now. i feel like vomiting, i went outside and almost did and then i started to walk it off but it keeps on coming back the more i think of it.well im gonna go now and try to cool down by going for a walk or something maybe it'll help me lose the feeling of needing to vomit
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fourth of july [Jul. 5th, 2004|01:35 am]
[mood |cheerfulcheerful]
[music |matchbook romance- tiger lilly]

im not really american, nor am i pro-american, or really support the american political system, nor anything that has to do with american foreign policy, and i hate bush and his neo-nazi, civil rights violating administration, but happy forth of july. i just went to the parade and saw my little love muffin heather:D and she threw candy at me and they were kick ass candies:Dmmm those orange candy things... anyways after the parade my heather had to go to work:(*shrugs*oh well, i got to spend time with her after supper and we watched the fireworks together and they kicked ass and looked alot better there than from my back yard.

than after that we went to her house and had smores...mmmmm smores, than we just sat on her porch while i was rocking the loveseat all over the place then we went to "open some windows" but then i had to go...:(so now im here typing, and thinking bout how much i miss my heather:(

oh yeah yesterday night kicked ass too..and i'll leave it at that
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yeah its late ...so fucking what? [Jul. 3rd, 2004|01:00 am]
[mood |indescribable]
[music |nothing face-ether, jimmy eat world- bleed american]

today was a kick ass day...even tho most of the day i did nothing at all. it started as my mom waking me up saying something, than me saying "uh huh" than going back to sleep. than she called and told me to get up and so i got up than i went in the living room to so sleep on the couch.

after that it was pretty much dinner time, than i had lunch and Mrs. Martin came over and asked if her son Christian can stay for a bit and play with Katherine, cuz she is going to get remarried to her husband but this time it'll be recognized by the catholic church.and she needed time to trim her remarrying dress. than the asshole plumber came to fix the damn tub that he fucked up. so its fixed...YAAAAAAAY. after that it was raining like fuck and i was going to see spider man 2 and i had to walk...than it started raining harder, than my lovable heather asked her dad to drive me to town and than we went to the candy store and hung out in the park. than we went to the movies and saw spiderman 2(kick ass movie by the way..even tho doc ock couldve put up a fight when dying)and then we went to city hall square and hungout in the yellow green thing...

the only reason this day kicked so much ass tho is cuz i got to see my heather:D...oh shit im kinda horny...till next time...*mutters, "damn hormones"
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CANADA DAY!YAAAAY! [Jul. 1st, 2004|08:42 pm]
[mood |missing my heather]
[music |reliant k- i am understood?]


today sucked ass...first day of work by the way, this is pretty much all i do...i follow the owner of La Roma hotel (yes its french...) around all day and do all the hard or boring or grueling work, this is wat i did...i cut grass...not just any grass but wheres theres rocks, shit, mud,sticks,flowers,trees, more rocks, holes to sprain you ankle and really really steep hills...yeah my job sucks...and after that its fun with the raking...oh yeah, taking a nice sleek rake AND PICKING UP SHIT!...and then after that i had to cut more grass:( i went to this place in st-hilaire to mow the lawn of his storage garage and then we went to my bosses camp to mow that lawn and it was annoying as hell cuz theres flies...errg..and then there was the bag for the mower, no matter how securely fastened it was, IT WOULD ALWAYS FUCKING FALL OFF:@ after all that shit i had to move these little patches of grass that was sticking out...but they were ants nests...and while i was throwing them, the little bitches called ants where crawling all over my hand and some bit me and shit and it feels funny when ants are crawling all over your arm than i said screw that and kicked the rest as far as i could with my steel toe boots and it was alot funner than throwing ants:D cuz they didnt try to bite the hell outta me that way.after that i was done and we went into the camp to just pretty much relax...while the old slave driver boss was talking to his buddies i was bored as fuck...they were like "come on the kid earned a beer, give him a beer,...he deserves it." which was a very good point i earned some beers.But then he was like "no, his mom will kill me", mr couterier said, which was a very valid point...my mom would kill him....and with her bare hands too...and then she would dismember the body for her evil satanic mom cult...well maybe i just added the evil satanic mom cult for fun but she would kill him cuz she my mom and all moms have an anger problem deep down in there.

then i got home tried to talk to heather but she wasnt there :( so i took a shower and when she did it was too late cuz i wanted to hang out in town, but she had to work in the morning and that sucks ass:( and i wanted to see spider man 2 fuck. and today was her only day off and it'll be her only day off for a while and that sucks again:(

i havent seen her in a while and i want to be with her arrgh... but no, its always work..when i can see her, she has to work:( and then when shes finally off i have to go to work,fuck. and i want a damn sub from subway cuz i skipped supper fuck. well im out...oh yeah other shit has happened but i cant really say so that made the day even gayer

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YAAAAAAY FIRST ENTRY!!!! [Jun. 30th, 2004|10:23 pm]
[mood |blahblah]
[music |finger eleven- sick of it all]

Well, this is my first journal entry ever...i think... anyways, i decided to make my own journal thingy because I AM EXTREMLY BORED!!!! ever since school has been out the only thing i have been doing is sitting on my ass and talking to my gf or seeing her for a few hours when i can.

it use to be play xbox, sit on my ass and talk to my gf or see her but no... the damn warranty had to expire and a few days later the thing broke down and now if i want it fixed i have to send it to an xbox repair place and fix it for like 150 bucks plus tax and shipping and handling...then the damn bitchy lady was acting like "its going to be so much better, and you'll have an extra three month warranty." im not gonna send it in cuz i dont have the cash, i'm trying to restore my old motorbike and then i'm not really enthusiastic about the microsofts masked buggy micro pc thats bound to break becuz it carries the microsoft name and seal of perfection (which isnt a high standard at all)... but if i do get another console and thats a big IF, itll be a PS2...

another to keep myself from being bored outta my mind is make E-Paintings with this kick ass program called art rage that i downloaded free off of download.com and im making some shitty ass pictures that arent coming out good but a few kicked serious ass.

hmm..wat else is new...oh... i kno..theres these assholes replacing the toilet, bath tub, shower, sink and some other shit AND THEY TAKE SO MANY FUCKING BREAKS...i want my damn shower...i havent had one for 3 days...and they finish today but the assholes fucked up on the drain in the tub so while i was showering/bathing the damn thing was leaking all over the basement floor...those asses.... anyways my heather signed on so im gonna talk to her...so long
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